Talking to Teens 101

Do you ever wish your teenager had come with a manual?

Don't worry - you aren't alone.  Countless parents find themselves in my office scratching their heads and asking the same question: "How do I get them to talk to me?"  When I explore the issue a typical theme emerges: parents feel they're doing all the right things to set the stage for meaningful conversation with their son or daughter, but nothing happens.  Questions are answered with the barest of information or the teen will address only 'light' topics and avoid anything with any depth, leaving the parent frustrated and feeling out-of-the-loop.  I find myself giving the same advice again and again...

1. Learn What to Look For: In case you haven't already realized this, teenagers rarely approach their parents with the intention of initiating a conversation about 'the deep stuff', particularly teens who are struggling.  When they do, it isn't usually obvious that they have something on their mind that they'd like to share.  Some of the ways I see teens approaching adults when they need something: pick a fight, talk about something that seems meaningless (like music, or what so-and-so wore to school today), or by saying nothing but showing a lot of body language.  These approaches may be irritating and often don't make sense to adults, but they are bids for connection.  If you are seen as responsive and engaged with the 'fluff' of your teen's life, or you can tolerate some button-pushing without rejecting them, you'll be seen as someone who's safe enough to share the bigger issues with.
2. Location, Location, Location: Engaging with teens is a lot like fishing - you can never really be sure of a bite, but if you find that secret spot where your odds are better, return as often as possible.  In our family, the island in the kitchen and the car are the sweet spots.  What do the island and the car have in common?  Both are transitional spaces, meaning the time we spend together there is typically while we're transitioning from one activity to the next, such as driving from school to drivers' ed.  This time is pretty predictable and almost always unstructured, meaning teens can count on having most of your attention and not being required to do anything else like homework or cleaning their room.  If you don't have a reliable transitional space and time, make one.
3. Seize the Moment: If you're expecting your teen to be ready to chat at 8:42 pm after all of the younger siblings are put to bed but before you've gotten absorbed in the latest episode of Game of Thrones -- or any other time that could be defined as 'a good time' for that matter -- think again.  Nine out of ten times it will happen when you are tired/hungry/annoyed/frazzled/angry/occupied with something else.  It isn't mysterious or cosmic or karmic, its just because these are the times when you're vulnerable (and therefore more approachable and real).  Teens like that.  So learn to take these opportunities as they come and to see them as opportunities rather than say, a ploy to get out of doing the dishes.

These are just a few pointers to get you started.  Stay tuned for my next post where I'll share my number one suggestion for getting teens to open up (and anyone can do it!).

Jodie